I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
