btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
