if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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