after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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