Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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