He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You can't motorboat a personality
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
