I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
