I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
