thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
