3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
