Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
