hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize