why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
