There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think your dad took our porno
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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