You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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