lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
