im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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