I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
