Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
