HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
