He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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