My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
