I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
