That's intense
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
