I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
we made out on top of his cat.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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