I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it's like iHOP with fire
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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