she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize