you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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