MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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