I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
