I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
