Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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