So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize