Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
