So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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