Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
