I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
