the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
