does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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