the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
