i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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