Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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