God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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