If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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