I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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