I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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