When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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