Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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