Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize