I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
