Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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