Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
