she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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