His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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