Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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