Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
