my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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