I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
