The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
