my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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