i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
