i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
