the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
