I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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