My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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