so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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