I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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