I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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