you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
