I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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